Cocaine Heart
by Eridaaaanni
Summary: Two addicts, one addicted to cocaine and the other to control and money, find what they seek in each other. What others might see as a damaging relationship, is their heaven. VERY OOC. A/H
1. Chapter 1

**Yes, I'm doing it again because I can't stay away from it ! New story and this one was actually planned as not a fanfiction but here I am making it so because I'm sick like that. Tell me what you all think, this idea just came to me and I find it fascinating. It'll be very OOC for both Rose and Dimitri and short chapters as it will be a short story, around 30,000 words maybe. So yea, let me know. **

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**Summary: Two addicts, one addicted to cocaine and the other to control and money find what they seek in each other. What others might see as a damaging relationship, is their heaven. Is it right to live this way? Or will they be condemned by society and seize to be so? **

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**Cocaine Heart**

Dimitri's hard body is pressed against me.

He's snoring loudly.

I take these few sober moments to look around our hotel room. It's a fucking mess.

Lamps are broken, the sofa is thrown to one side, chairs are legless, tables are flipped. I laugh remembering our stupid argument about a silly boy and how Dimitri ended up fucking me all around, telling me that I was his and he hoped that he had ruined me for everyone else.

Oh, baby. That had happened since the first time he touched my body.

I reach to grab my coat and pick up my pants, not even caring to look for my shirt or panties. I take Dimitri's wallet from the drawer and take some cash as I throw it on the bed.

My heels are at the edge of the bed, but as I pick them up I see that one of the heels is broken and I decide to just go barefoot, not something unusual for me.

I stop by the mirror on the way out and check my hair and smeared make up. It's disgusting but I laugh feeling like a masterpiece that Dimitri created. I brush my teeth with my finger and head to the door, grabbing my empty purse from the broken coat hanger.

Before I go to catch a cab, I go into one of the ladies rooms that they have in the lobby and get my fix. I still get a little high, but it's nothing like the heaven I used to achieve when I first started.

Outside people stare at my open coat and my feet with disgust but I'm far too gone to actually give a shit.

The cab driver keeps giving me weird looks so I stare off into the city, that what I once thought to be my dream: Los Angeles, California.

I had dreams and aspirations when I first arrived. But what I have with Dimitri now is so much better.

I lean my head back into the car seat and recall that moment when I had first saw Dimitri.

It was a warm December morning.

I was at the beginning of my addiction when I could still achieve heaven with a short sniff. I was going to some party that some guy I was hooking up from UCLA had invited me to. However, it seem that he forgot to mention that it was a white tie party so I was denied admission in my belly shirt and my short jean shorts.

I sat outside as I waited for the cab I called and could barely afford to come.

As I sat on the sidewalk and played on my shitty flip phone, Dimitri walked out. He was wearing a black tuxedo that hugged his body in all the right places. To his side was his wife Natasha.

He looked straight at me and there was something about him that drew me in.

Maybe it was the fact that he had a wife and was an older man, thirty eight.

Or maybe it was because everything about him screamed money and power: his tuxedo, the jewelry his wife wore, his watch, his car...

And maybe, maybe it was that his eyes—those dark brown eyes—were so sinister and I could see how he was capable of many things, things that crossed moral lines... Lines that everyone could just secretly hope to cross.

He walked all the way to his car as he stared at me; my legs, my arms, my face, my eyes.

The taxi driver coughs bringing me out of my precious memory. I pay him with the money I took out of Dimitri's wallet and walk to my shitty one bedroom apartment that I insisted to keep for whenever I needed to escape.

My phone starts ringing as soon as I open the door to the apartment. It was him. It was always him. My world was about him. It revolved around him. He was it.

"Where the fuck are you?" Dimitri's rough voice comes through the receiver,

"At my apartment" I laugh afterwards, finding his controlling nature humorous by now.

"And what the fuck do you think you're doing there? I want you at the pool house in twenty minutes." He hangs up, not waiting for my response.

I take my time getting ready to meet him, I know by now that when Dimitri gets angry the only thing he'll do is teach me a lesson, by ripping off my clothes and we'll be back to each other as we always are.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Dark Paradise **

The beach house was where he took me the first day we actually meet.

It was a day after class; I had been going to a community college back then, studying psychology. I wanted to get high but I was so broke I could barely afford to pay my rent. Having a shitty job at the corner gas station didn't pay that well.

I was walking to my apartment, barefooted and disorientated from not being high. I was not watching where I was going. Actually I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing; all I could think about was that high, the damn high I wanted to be. So I ended up walking downtown, not even sure how the fuck I got there. But once I did I could feel all the people staring at me, judgment in their eyes. Some whispered, some didn't care that I could hear them.

Mostly all they did was call me a "disgusting homeless person", once in a while I would hear the word "druggie" but I couldn't mind it too much; after all that's what I had become.

That's when I saw him; he was walking towards his car. Dimitri. He was wearing a suit and for a second I forgot about that high that I craved, and he was all that I could think about. His strong body, his handsome face, those long brown locks. He was godly. I felt the sexual desire in me, something that had become so foreign as of lately.

I walked towards him, unable to stop my feet.

I don't think he saw me coming or maybe he didn't recognize me.

As I walked to him I wasn't sure of what I was going to say, but I wanted to at least be closer to him. Halfway there I changed my mind; having a conscious moment of how creepy it would be of me to just go up to him. But it had been too late as Dimitri had already caught sight of me.

He looked surprised but there was amusement in his eyes. He stared at my direction for a second and it was like the day we met all over again, he was inspecting me; my legs, my arms, my face, my eyes... I would think that he would cringe away from me after the way I looked today but he didn't... He started walking towards me.

I stood awkwardly in place, unsure of what to do in this situation.

"It's you" Dimitri's deep and rough voice was an exquisite sound to my ears.

I nodded, unable to come up with a simple answer as "yes".

"I wondered when I would see you again. You see, that moment at Christian's was burned into my memories, no matter how much I tried to erased it, you kept coming back to mind. I asked around to see if anyone knew you but I had no such luck."

It should have been weird, maybe even creepy for a guy such as Dimitri to tell you such words. But for me, it wasn't. If I was being honest, I loved it.

I don't really recall what happened next but before I knew it, Dimitri and I were riding to his beach house. There, he bathed me; those large callous hands stroking my most intimate places.

We didn't have sex then but we did lay naked next to each other by the pool, admiring each other's imperfect bodies. I felt like I've found something... A purpose. Me. What I wanted. Maybe even what I needed.

**.X.**

I arrive at the beach house twenty minutes late and Dimitri stands at the door looking furious. Instead of running to him like he expects me to, I make a show for him.

I lean into the taxi driver's window, dropping the money on his lap.

"Thank you sweetheart, it was quite a ride" I whisper seductively, fluttering my eyelashes. The cab driver looks at me with lust in his eyes.

I count to ten.

Seven... Eight ..

"Rosemarie I will recommend that you get here this instant." Dimitri voice comes from behind me and I jerk back, acting surprise. I don't turn around but rather lean back into Dimitri, knowing that he's right behind me. The taxi drives away.

"What do you think you're doing, my little vixen?" Dimitri's hands dig into my hip and I moan out loud from both the pain and pleasure it brings me.

"Answer me" He digs in harder.

"Nothing. It was nothing!" Because it was, he knew better than anyone else that it was nothing. Everyone else were nothing. They are nothing. He is everything.

"I have to make some calls, get in the shower and wait for me by the pool"

Dimitri's beach house is beautiful, it has a view of the whole city of Los Angeles and at night when the city is full of lights, it feels like magic is from pouring down there and I'm watching it from my personal heaven. Mine.

This used to be Natasha's heaven. She had pictures of herself and sometimes with Dimitri all around. The walls were covered of her.

I didn't mind it at first. This was just a place where I got to see Dimitri, I had no right here. But slowly I became sick and tired of seeing her face as he made love to me on the couch or in the kitchen counter.

I became fed up with her smiling face and big diamonds looking at us naked that I ripped every single one of her pictures.

I smile recalling the moment; I lower myself to the bath I prepared. Relaxing and losing myself to the memory.

Dimitri had been out and had told me to meet him here. It had been one of the times when I had been off the drugs for a long time—three weeks.

I opened the door to notice that she had added a new picture to her collection. It was a large picture of her and Dimitri at a Gala. Maybe it was because I was jealous and infuriated that she still owned part of him, that I went straight for the picture and took it down and jumped on the glass breaking the frame. I proceeded to rip the picture, cursing both Natasha and Dimitri. Natasha because she had Dimitri. She wore his diamonds. She owned his house. She had every right to him. While Dimitri didn't leave her. Because he didn't make me his as he had with her.

I went around finding every picture and shredding it. My hands were bloody at the end. I had punched and kicked every frame off the pictures, breaking my skin in the process.

I had become consumed with the task at hand that I never realized that Dimitri had come and was sitting in the kitchen counter, smiling at me.

"I was wondering how long it would take you until you cracked."

I didn't look at him as I stared at the mess that I'd made. Broken glass was everywhere, sometimes with my blood. While pieces of Natasha's smiling fake tanned face stared at me.

I turned to Dimitri, walking to him as I pointed my finger at his chest.

"You" I was close.

"You damn bastard!" Just a little more.

"How could you fucking do this shit!" A few more steps.

"How can you let her do this to me!" A couple.

"How can you do this to me!" I touched his chest with my bloody hand. His eyes burned with that fire that I saw every day, that fire that consumed both of us and burned within us.

"I didn't do shit." He grabbed my bloody hands and started cleaning them with a damp towel.

"How could I do shit when you don't tell me what you want!" He got up and walked towards one of the kitchen cabinets. "You don't say anything to me! We fuck and fuck! That's all we ever do!" He took out a first aid kit and walked back to me.

I couldn't look at him as he once again grabbed my hands, it was true. I never actually talked to him; we just sat quiet next to each other and ended up fucking all the time. All that ever came out of my mouth were moans and screams of pleasure.

"Just say the words Rose and I'll leave her. Say the words and I'm yours. Only yours." He bandaged my hands and kissed them.

I didn't say the words.

Not then.

"Rosemarie" Dimitri's voice brings me back to time.

"I'm in the bathroom!" I call back. I scrub my body, getting rid of all the dirt and sweat that has accumulated, and wash my hair.

"Must you always do as you please?" Dimitri stands by the door, an eyebrow arched. "I asked you for one thing and yet again you didn't do it."

"I lost track of time" His laughs comes out richly.

"Don't you always?" He brings a towel as I stand from the tub. He sniffs my hair as he wraps the towel around my wet body. "You smell divine, my dear"

He takes me by the hand, grabbing my brush off the drawer.

I sit on the floor as he takes a place behind me and starts brushing my hair. I smile into space and get lost in the feeling of Dimitri's hard fingers softly massaging my scalp.

This is my paradise. My dark paradise.

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**I hope this chapter soothed some of you! Till next time. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Light of my life, Fire of my loins**

Making love to Dimitri was more than just our bodies receiving pleasure from each other. It was the feeling of the both us losing ourselves in each other. It was filled with raw passion and love. With energy and life. With light and darkness. With everything that was Dimitri and everything that was me. With all that was us.

"Roza" Dimitri moans as he kisses my ribs, leaving the skin on fire. I curl my toes as he kisses me in my most intimate places. Knowing my body better than I know it myself.

His cold callous hands trace the scars in my body, all the scars that always made me tremble reminding me of my inner turmoil, but he could always take away the pain of the scars and leave behind him a warmness that consumed my whole body.

There was no need to say anything as we lay next to the pool in the cold hard floor and he explores every place in my body, touching the places that he only knew how to touch.

Moaning a form of his name is the only sound that comes out of my lips as he adores my body. I'm on cloud nine, my personal heaven. Not the type of heaven that the drugs bring me, but the natural heaven that the pleasure, ecstasy, and Dimitri's love brings me.

He brings his lips to mine and he arranges himself at my entrance, pushing himself roughly into me.

It's blissful as our bodies come together, and our naked imperfect skin hits one another.

He loves me. Everything about me. The darkest and dirtiest parts of me, he loves them. And I completely give myself off to him as he makes love to my body.

We end up in the master room, where we finish and fall into a blissful sleep.

.X.

"I got you something" Dimitri lets go of his hold on me and gets up, putting his boxers on as he walks out of the room. I reach for my robe but decide against it because I know how much Dimitri enjoys looking at what he calls my "afterglow".

I want to reach into my coat's bag and take out what I have left of the gram I had gotten last night but I decide against it, trying to stay sober for Dimitri.

When he comes back in the room, he's wearing a big smile on his face and he holds one of his arms behind him.

I know what it is before he even shows me. I know what it is by now because it's what he always gets me. I have a collection of them by now.

This time it's a ruby necklace and I hold my hair up as he puts it on me.

I touch it and I close my eyes savoring the moment. It's not about the jewels and diamonds, it's not about how much they cost and what they're valued. It's about Dimitri and how this is his way of showing me his love.

Dimitri wants to give me what he has. And money it's what he has the most. The jewels he showers me in are a sign of his affection. They're different than those that Natasha had. She bought those for herself.

"You like them, love?" Dimitri whispers on my neck, dropping the sheet I had covering my body.

"You look beautiful in nothing but rubies covering your neck. My exotic princess" I breathe in, my heart beat accelerating as his touch comes closer to my chest.

He takes me right at the edge of the bed, this time fast and rough, no time for foreplay.

.X.

It's a long time before I gain consciousness again but when I do, Dimitri has left the house. This is nothing new.

I look around and search for his usual note. The one I find is short and I feel myself breaking a little.

_Went to see N. I will be back tonight or tomorrow. –D_

I'm angry and I want to throw shit around. He went to see Natasha...

I get up from the bed and run to the bathroom, grabbing what I have left of the gram and snorting it right away. I don't feel the high, and I get desperate, pulling at my hair and slapping my face, trying to get the high going. But it doesn't work. So I yell at the top of my lungs in anger and frustration. I fall to the floor and pound on it, making my fists hurt but not really caring and just relishing on the physical pain.

I move around the house, breaking everything that gets in my fucking way, or rather everything I catch sight of.

The beautiful vase Dimitri and I had bought online to refurnish our house, the small coffee table by the sofa, the painting Dimitri had bought for me. I destroy everything like the time I had come here and seen the picture of Dimitri and Natasha.

And I hate myself for it. I hate it because I know I have no reason to feel this rage, because Dimitri is doing nothing wrong but just trying to get the divorce going. Because I know that Dimitri doesn't love Natasha, that he loves me! But I feel the guilt eating me off, because I was the one that came into his life and took him from Natasha, ripped him off her and never gave him back. And now I'm afraid that someone else will do that to me.

I feel the high kicking in as my mind gets overwhelmed, and I look around, trying to find my jeans and shirt but they're nowhere in sight so I head to our walk- in closet where I only find the stupid fancy dresses the housemaid—Inna—got for me.

I pick a simple red cocktail dress and find it lacking where I used to fill it with my curves, but what does it really matter, right? I grab some shoes that I don't care to look at twice and leave to the garage where I take one of the cars.

There's no plan in mind that I really have, I just couldn't keep being at home with all my thoughts and I was feeling up now. I wanted to go somewhere fun. Which is how I ended up at Adrian Ivashkov's house.

The lights were always up at Adrian's house, free booze and all the drugs you could fit into your system without overdosing were provided.

Adrian had been the one that had gotten me hooked on cocaine. It was years ago back when I had first moved to Los Angeles. I was so desperate to fit in with anyone as I tried to start new and leave my past in Montana. Adrian attended the same community college I had, which is how I met him and how we first got together.

He took me away from that loneliness I felt from leaving my world behind and coming to a new one. He didn't make me feel loved or anything like that. He just made me feel wanted and somewhat cared for. We slept around and we used to smoke pot like high school students that were first experimenting with soft drugs. I never knew it was going to go further than the pot. But Adrian became tired of just smoking and wanted to try something harder. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did and I fell in an addiction that was too hard to break.

Adrian was nowhere to be found, which wasn't a surprise as the house was packed. I contemplate whether to keep looking for him or not, but there really is no point as I came here for the drugs and not him.

I look around. Colorful lights, that appear to correlate with the loud music coming from the speakers on the ceiling, are all around, making it hard to see where what is. I move towards where the bar stands, when I feel a soft grip in my shoulders.

"Lovely Rose" Adrian's soft voice says into my ear. But more like yells because of the loud music, making jump a little back into his arms. I feel a vibration on my skin that comes from my cellphone in the edge of my underwear but I ignore it.

I turn to look at Adrian and observe that he is still as handsome as ever; messy brown hair, green emerald eyes, and a beautiful smile, although his teeth are no longer shiny white because of his overuse of drugs.

"Adrian" I whisper, unaware that he can't hear me because of the loud music.

He stares at me, and there's a little spark on his eyes, the one that he used to have for me when we first started fucking. It had diminished with time and had become distant, moving on to the next girl before telling me about it.

"Come on, I'll give you some of my own stash" He doesn't wait for my response and takes my hand, pulling me through the crowd of people, the sweating bodies bringing us together, all the way to the corner of the room.

There's something about this that just feels wrong. And for a moment I regret coming here in the first place, not to mention that Dimitri would kill me if he found out.

But all of that is gone in a matter of seconds as Adrian pulls out a small bag full of cocaine. He lays its contents in the table and spreads it out with a small blade. He makes two long lines with his card and rolls up two Benjamin's. He gives me one and points to one of the lines.

"Get crazy!"

I don't wait a second as I take the bill and snort in the cocaine.

This time it hits me and man does it hit me hard.

I cry out a whoop of happiness, and it feels like the first time I got high. I move to the music with Adrian, and we end up all around moving our bodies together. I keep feeling a vibration in my hip but I'm too gone to know what it is.

The high keeps going strong all throughout the night and I lose sight of Adrian a couple of times as I get lost in the crowd.

I sway my hips side to side, not really caring about who's behind me. Not until I feel a hard grasp of the large calloused hand I've come to know by memory.

He doesn't say anything as he leads me out of the house, his grip still hard behind me. We're about to get out of the house when Adrian comes behind us.

"Hey dude, what the fuck!" his words are a little slurred.

"Leave us alone" Dimitri's low threating voice scares the crap out of me because I know how he gets during these times and I hate myself a thousand times for doing this to the both of us.

"Dude, what the fuck did you say? Now give me Rose and I'll let you leave." Adrian tries to look threating by pushing his chest out, but it only looks ridiculous in his state.

Dimitri lets out a cold humorless laugh and moves closer to Adrian, telling him something that I'm unable to hear. Adrian looks shocked and just walks away and Dimitri takes me away.

We enter the back of his car and he tells his chauffeur to drive home.

There are a few minutes of pure silence before everything becomes chaos.

Dimitri turns to me, a look of pure anger on his face. His eyes look black, instead of the warm chocolate color, and his lips have a strained frown, holding both anger and disappointment. I turn to the window but he jerks my head to him in a swift motion.

"Would you like to explain what the fuck was that?" His tone is not loud, but to me it sounds as if he is yelling at me.

"Do you think it's fucking funny how I have to leave in the middle of a fucking meeting because you decided to be fucking reckless and won't even answer your damn phone?! Rosemarie, don't you dare put your head down, look at me! Look at me"

I do and all I can think about is how stupid my decision was.

"And then you're with _him_!" I know he means Adrian as I hear the disgust behind his words.

Dimitri comes closer to me.

"Did you forget you were mine? Mine." He whispers into my ear, his desire and anger infusing into one.

He touches my breast softly and then pulls hard at my harden nipple.

"Don't you damn forget that you belong to me." His voice is a little softer but he pulls harder. And I want to yell in both pain and ecstasy but I can't.

"You." Pull

"Are" Pull

"Mine" He lowers his head and bites my nipple. And I yell "Yes!"

He looks back into my eyes. His anger is still full on.

"How the fuck did you think I felt when you wouldn't answer your damn phone? Huh? Rosemarie. We have one rule! One fucking rule! Always answer your phone!"

I shake my head, wanting to explain but what the fuck did I have to say? I couldn't say shit.

"Why the fuck did you do this? Huh?" His black eyes bore into mine, his emotions transparent through them. He brings his hand to my face and I think he's going to caress me but he touches the tip of my nose, a disgusted look on his face.

"Right" He turns from me. I get ready to reach for him, but he moves to the other seat.

"Give me a fucking second"

Times like this, I wish I could leave this all behind, all the shitty parts of me behind...

Dimitri looks my way again.

"This is how it's going to go. You don't go out, unless Christian here" He points to his chauffeur "goes with you. You don't go anywhere! Not even that shitty apartment of yours. The drugs." He hesitates "you want them? I give them to you. I do. You don't go seeking them somewhere else. You want them and I'll give them, but they'll be on my damn terms. Okay. This is it Rose. You either agree to it or you walk away from my life"

Dimitri's eyes soften and he knows as well as I, that I could never walk away from him. From us.

I nod my head.

"Say it"

"I agree. I agree to it all. I'll agree to anything. But not walking away from you. Not that, ever" I look into his eyes and I get lost in them as his anger diffuses.

He reaches to grab me, he kisses me and leaves me out of breath.

"I love you" I whisper into Dimitri's shoulder as I lean into him.

We get home and he pushes me inside the house quickly, undressing me. But right now is not about me. It's about him as I get on my knees and please him.

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**Sorry for the delay! Sinful and Dangerous update coming soon! Love all of you my lovely readers !**

**Inspirations for this whole story came from American Hustle, Lana Del Rey, Lolita, and Don Jon. :) **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Gods and Monsters**

I'm in the corner of my living room. I sit with my back to the chaos that goes on in the kitchen. My parents are arguing. It's been going on for a long time now because I feel my back hurting from trying to keep its posture but failing.

I'm ten around this time. Far used to the whole madness. But it's not just me. I hear Eddie sobbing softly next to me. He's five. His little fists are curled and he looks down with tears in his eyes. I look down to his small shoes, the top of them are so worn out and it's obvious that they are too little on him as his small toes are curled into a ball to fit into them.

I want to comfort my younger brother but I can't as that would upset my parents.

"Look Janine, I'm just saying that you need to quit that shit!" My father's angry voice sounds all through our small house walls. It's always the same words though and I think that at this point whoever would hear outside wouldn't even care.

My father always tells me my mother has problems; that she couldn't love us like a normal mom does because there's something wrong with her, that her brain doesn't work the same way as others. That she couldn't look after us because she didn't have the will. But that we had to stay with her because we loved her.

But I don't really know if I love my mother. One could say we barely know each other. And the things I did know about her, were things that made me dwell up with hatred inside.

"We talked about this Janine" my father's voice gets softer. "You have to stop drinking, and doing all this shit. You have to be a mother to your children." I know this is the time when my father makes my mother look at the back of us. Her brown eyes burning without recognition of Eddie and I.

There was a time when I used to cry, but not anymore, because my father would tell me a big girl doesn't cry and I wanted to be big. But looking over at my younger brother, I want to cry for him and all the despair he feels. Because he's scared and I know that feeling too well.

I'm staring into my brother's little brown eyes, when they suddenly transform into my mother's angry ones. She is yelling at me, and I can't make out any of her words because I'm so frightened, because I know what's coming.

"You little bitch." She runs her hands through her messy red hair. Her eyes are lazy, like she can't think straight. She moves back and forth, trying to think, but I don't know if she's even capable of doing that with a straight mind.

"I...I" she looks at me, but it's not like she's staring at me but rather an animal that's she's disgusted by.

She walks back and grabs the little blade from the table and I tense up, I know what's coming.

I close my eyes, I want to run away from here, but there's nowhere to go. No Eddie or my father to go to. Because they left us. Because they left me. So I try to let my mind go, to go somewhere else, to get lost. I concentrate and try to find my happy memories... but I can't...

I think of Eddie and how he must be in a better place with my father now. How they are in a better place and I want to smile because that's happy. But my mother's voice forbids me that small happiness.

"It's your fault! Your filthy fault! You little bastard! You little bitch! If you had never come into my life, he wouldn't have left. Ibrahim would have never left. He would be here! He would be here with me!"

She comes closer to me, blade in hand. "It's your fault he left me."

She gets the look, the one that's filled with so much hatred and repulsion. The blade is pointing towards me. And I want to close my eyes again but I'm so sacred that when I do, I won't be able to open them again.

She walks slowly towards me and I feel like she's doing it on purpose, to make me more terrified. Because she knows how anticipation is the worst. Because she can do whatever she wants to me and I won't ever do shit back.

My mother stands in front of me, and I feel like I'm in a movie. That this is not happening to me, and that I'm watching it in a big screen, making it seem so realistic.

But then she runs the blade softly all through my arms, she's not cutting but I'm so terrified that I scream, she slaps me hard in my face and I silently cry as she lifts my shirt and brings the blade to my stomach.

She stops, and I think that maybe she won't do it today, that today she'll change her mind. But the moment is over and the blade pierces my skin and I yell out of agony. Pure hot agony.

She pushes the blade into my skin and I keep yelling, crying, telling her to stop. The world seems to stop and all I feel is the painful agony my mother inflicts on me.

"Please" I cry to my mother. But that only makes her go in deeper into my belly and for my screams to get lou—

Dimitri wakes me up.

"Roza. It's over. You're here" Dimitri holds me to his chest, rubbing circles on my back. I cry softly into him, trying to forget about the past. But he gets close to one of the scars, and it makes me flinch, making me cry a little louder, and Dimitri stops rubbing my skin.

I close my eyes, but all I can keep thinking about is my mother's hateful eyes and her hateful words. For a second, I'm traveling once again back in time and she's ther—

"Look at me" Dimitri voice brings me back. I do, I turn and look at his beautiful face. The moonlight hits his features, making him look godly. And I get lost in admiring those brown chocolate eyes, the straight planes of his cheekbones, the straight jawline, and his soft pouty lips.

"It's over Roza. You're no longer there." He brings me closer to him, touching my hair, wet from all the sweat.

Dimitri gets up from the bed and bends down to pick me up.

"Let's give you a warm bath; it always makes you feel better." He leads us to the master bathroom and I lean into his naked chest, smelling his aftershave on him with the mixture of the smell of our lovemaking.

I cling to him, inhaling our smell, and trying to focus on that. On how beautiful it was when we made love. How the act would make me feel a hundred things at once, yet pure ecstasy all the time.

Dimitri whispers sweet things into my ear, some things are in Russian and I'm unable to comprehend, but they only add to the beauty of his words.

He lowers me in the chair next to the tub and although I'm a little hesitant on letting him go, I do, but not before he reassures me that he's not going anywhere.

I admire Dimitri as he turns on the water and tries to get it to the right temperatures by opening both faucets, and testing it every few seconds.

When he decides the water is good enough, he moves to the edge of the tub, grabbing my favorite products. He looks at me, asking if those are the ones I want and I nod my head.

When he's done pouring the products into the water, he picks me up once again and puts me down into the warm water.

He gets on his knees outside the tub and massages my head. The feeling is marvelous, and I focus on that.

"Tell me" he whispers.

I hesitate but it's only for a second, before I tell him. I open my most vulnerable parts to Dimitri as I always do. I tell him the start to the end of my story.

I cry at the beginning, unable to recall those awful times without feeling the pain, but as the story progresses, my cries get softer. And Dimitri listens quietly; his soft breathing is the only thing I hear, which is all I need.

"But now, I have you. And you're all I ever need" I lean into his large hand that rubs my shoulder. "Get in here with me, I need you" I whisper and kiss his hand.

He gets in the tub without a word and I see the redness on his knees from staying on his knees for so long. I touch them and massage them.

His strong legs remind me of my father's legs when he would put me on his lap and tell me how things will one day get better. I never knew if he meant that things will get better with _her_ or just that things will get better when I left.

Because I knew for a fact that things never got better with her. But now. Now things were amazing. My life with Dimitri was all I ever needed.

Dimitri takes my hands off his knees and envelopes them with his large ones. We stay there for a while or perhaps it was only a few seconds but it brings me peace and I love him for it.

* * *

**Some of you asked why Dimitri calls Rose, Rosemarie, and the reason why it's because it's a sign of control. Don't worry you will all get to see how their relationship became to be like this. Also those of you waiting for the new chapter of "Sinful and Dangerous" give me some time because I've been feeling a little lost on that story but I'll make sure to update soon! Thank you all for your patience. **

**P.S. (for someone out there) I know you're reading this, shame on you for stalking my stories :) . **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Tired of Singing the Blues **

It's been a day since I first went to Dimitri beach house. And I sit on my shitty, dirty, and full of broken shit balcony. I dream about the mysterious man that laid naked next to me yesterday. I want to go back; I want to experience the feeling of being alive, of doing something just because. The rush of energy making my body flourished. But I don't know when I will see him again, so I sit on my balcony, alone, closing my eyes and just thinking of his large warm body next to mine. His gorgeous face so close to mine that I could feel his breath in my face, that spicy cinnamon breath. My body feeling like neurons were being fired anywhere and everywhere. Every part of me going crazy for him.

I look around my neighborhood and realize that it's empty, no one is outside and the streets are deserted, it almost seems like no one lives here. Not that it's ever a surprise; it's always been like this. Never a soul in sight, sometimes the usual hooker would stand in a corner but then realize that this was no place for business. Druggies and drug dealers did come an awful a lot though, but it was always at night, when less than a living soul was around.

I bring my knees up and I hug them. I feel alone. Nothing in my life that seems particularly worthy. I think about _her_, and how she must feel now and it gives me a little satisfaction that I'm not the only one that's alone.

I breathe in the fresh air of L.A and I tell myself: "smell that? Yea that's the smell of what you once wanted". I sigh with frustration as I recalled the past.

There was once a too scared of a girl, trying to leave her baggage behind and start new. She was filled with dreams and hopes. Dreams that she found out were beyond her reach and hopes that were destroy as soon as her addiction began.

"At least you have the drugs" I say out loud to no one.

I think back to the things I had to do to get the drugs and I can't believe that this same girl was the one that first arrived here to L.A. That girl was so afraid of even wearing tight jeans.

It was a Friday when I first arrived in Los Angeles.

I had left Montana and gotten on a bus, one way to Los Angeles, never to look back. All I had with me were a three thousand dollars and a small luggage carrier, but that was all that I needed. When I got here I smiled into the world, thinking this was it; that my suffering would be left behind and the memories erased from my mind.

I walked the streets of Los Angeles, a smile to wide for my face. I could feel my mouth muscles getting tired of smiling but I didn't care. I don't know how I looked to other people, maybe like a freak; untamed wavy brown hair, brown eyes too wide for my face, a nose that was a little too round, the smile... I would bump into people, and they would glare but I didn't care, I kept walking, just staring into the city. The city my father would tell me so much about when I was little. How it was the city where dreams come true.

I ended up in a shady side of town but it was all I could afford, I settled on a worthless motel. But to me it had been like heaven, like freedom. I would lie in the bed for hours and savor the feeling of the hard mattress under me, the silence around me, with the only sound of the electric currents passing though the room as the light was on.

It was only a matter of time until I got a job as a waitress and had enough money to move into my small apartment, it wasn't much but it was something I could afford for the time being. I started school, majoring specifically in psychology to try and understand why she had done the things she did. But even with a new start and a new life, I felt alone.

I lived a life full of habit, no excited or adventures. Work in the morning, school in the afternoon, and home at night. Coming home was always the worse though, I would be so restless but my mind wouldn't even let me rest then. It would keep me in a trance of my memories, of everything that had happened to me. Every night a recreation of my past life will play like a montage in my mind.

So I started to go out and try to live a college kid's life, going to frat parties, getting drunk. It wasn't the only thing I could do but I did, at least it took me far away from my memories. Soon I was losing my virginity in the back of a Honda to a guy that promised me to move the earth and the stars and ignored me the next day. But by then I had endured too much despair that it didn't really matter.

Then Adrian came into my life. He was the guy in class that was always ready with a wit. He was smart and his beautiful emerald eyes would light up at me when I shyly passed by his desk.

The day he finally talked to me I was too afraid that respond that he thought I was mute.

"Rosemarie Hathaway, ma'am you are a gorgeous lady" were his words, I blushed and turned literally the color of a rose. Seconds passed, minutes... The white full on smile that was on Adrian's handsome face was slowly diffusing, unsure of what was going on.

"Oh god, you're mute, aren't you? That why you never talk! Oh god! What the fuck Ivashkov. Nice move dumbass" He hung his head and was about to walk away.

"It's Rose. Just Rose." He had been taken by surprise but he easily caught himself and the smile that I liked so much was back on.

Our relationship was mere infatuation; we liked being and seeing each other naked. Having sex, fucking, never more than that.

Later on it was just all about the drugs. I stayed with him because I was too broke to actually afford them. He would fuck me and then give them to me. It was a small price to pay for my addiction.

The infatuation was dead to me since the first time we tried cocaine, but for him it wasn't until later on. It slowly died and I was no longer what excited him, he started hooking up with other girls. I became more ignored and once again felt alone. Alone.

Perhaps this is how my life was supposed to go. To have no one to share it with, no one to care for.

I stare into the empty street, and it feels like a painting; immovable. There was no sight of change, of movement, of something that said "hey there's life here". It was gray, no color, not even a sight of darkness lurking around. I don't know whether I'm part of the painting or just an observer.

I look up at the sky, and although it's blue with white clouds, it feels dead to me. The moving of the clouds just telling me that time was passing, wasting away.

A cloud, shaped like train reminds me of my brother.

I tried to look for Eddie and my father when I first arrived here but no matter how much I looked; there was no trace of them. It was like they didn't want to be found. I didn't blame them though. They had every right to live their life in peace.

The last thing I want is to think about her so I get myself up from my folding chair and go inside, trying to do anything to distract me. I turn the television on but the people on it just fake smile and if possible that makes me more miserable.

I move to the bathroom and prepare a bath, trying to reconstruct the moment that I had with Dimitri yesterday. His rough hands on me, on my shoulders; softly massaging them, my breasts; slowly touching them, down to my belly; delicately rubbing it, all the way down to my core; tenderly fondling...

I hear the sound of my phone somewhere in my living room but I'm in such a bliss that I can't bear to stand up.

I close my eyes and imagine that Dimitri was here. Next to me, slowly breathing close to me.

I hear a knock on my door, it's heavy but slow. But as I take myself out of the bath and put the robe around my body, it gets faster and faster.

I run to it, almost falling on my way out the bathroom from all the water dripping off my wet body.

The knocking doesn't stop or slows down; it keeps going even after I yell that I'm coming.

I ask who it is and all I hear is a grunt in the other side of the door, I know instantly who it is. I throw the door open and find Dimitri at the other end of it.

"About time" he pushes pass me and enters my living room. I feel embarrassed. My apartment is a shit hole compared to his massive beach house. The living room is not even half of the size as his bathroom. The bare white walls have the painting slowly darkening with mold; a couch and an old TV in top of boxes are the only things that fit in the room.

But Dimitri doesn't appear to notice. He eyes are solely focus on me as he sits himself down in my couch, oh so elegantly, something that seems impossible with his massive 6'7" figure.

"I called" He says as he motions to the spot next to him, I move slowly to his side, never breaking eye contact.

"I know. I was bathing" I sit down next to him and look down at my bathrobe, which is worn out as I bought it in a thrift store and I look away from Dimitri. He intimidates me in his black suit that hugs his body in all the right places.

"Look at me." His voice is hard and my eyes go from the floor up to his face in a matter of seconds. His brown eyes burn with an intensity, it not precisely anger but it's something as powerful.

"I want you to keep this phone" He takes out a black shiny phone from his pocket "with you at all times. You answer it no matter what. I don't care if you're bathing. I don't care if you're working. I don't care about shit. You answer the damn phone" He puts it in my lap.

I nod.

"Say it"

"Yes, I will keep the phone with me at all times"

We sit in my living room, not a sound, except for the sound of my refrigerator running. It's not necessarily uncomfortable, but it's not nice either...It's a little awkward.

I want to ask him why he wants me to keep the phone with me at all times, but did it really matter?

"It's Rose. Not Rosemarie" I say after thinking back to how he always addressed me by my full name.

"I like Rosemarie better, so I will call you Rosemarie" He bumps his hand against mine and I stare at it, throwing draggers at it. I want to say, more like demand, that he does not call me that damn name but the words never come out of my lips.

"Did you eat already?" The question takes me by surprise that I grow in confusion and stay quiet, but Dimitri doesn't say anything as he gets up from the couch moving further into the house, perhaps the bathroom? Except he comes out a few minutes later with one of my small cardigans.

"Put this on, we're going out to eat." He comes closer to me and I catch the smell of his aftershave, he puts the cardigan on my lap.

I put it on and get up to follow him out of the apartment. I look around for my keys and when I can't catch sight of them I just leave the door unlocked, unable to stop myself from following Dimitri step by step.


End file.
